Funnies!

Sports

1. A foursome of older golfers is proceeding down the third fairway which happens to run parallel to a local highway. While they are about to hit their second shots, a funeral procession led by a large, black hearse passes by on the highway. One of the golfers stops lining up his shot, pauses, takes off his cap and holds it over his heart until the procession passes.
One of his partners walks over to him and says, "Sammy, that was one of the most sensitive things I've ever seen you do."
"Well," said Sammy, "we'd been married for almost fifty years."

2. On vacation, Tiger Woods is driving around in southern Alabama when he spots a beautiful golf course and, interested in trying this course, drives down the long, curving driveway past the majestic clubhouse. An older, white member of the exclusive club passes by Tiger's car and stops. He goes over to the car and says, "You know, there's a very fine golf course about a three wood shot down the highway. That's where you should try if you want a game."
"But I'm Tiger Woods. Don't you know me?"
The member paused for a moment. "Oh. Yes. OK. That's about a six iron."

3. A minister, a doctor, and an engineer were golfing behind a particularly slow foursome. The engineer said, "We must have waited 15 minutes on that last tee." The doctor said, "That's right. And I've never seen such incompetent golfers." The minister said, "Well, here comes the course Marshall on a golf cart. Let's see if he can fix the problem."
     The Marshall pulled up to the threesome and the minister said, "Hey George. What's with that incredibly slow group in front of us?"
     "Oh," George the Marshall replied, "That's a group of blind firefighters. They all lost their sight saving our clubhouse in a big fire last year. The Pro decided to let them play for free anytime."
     The group of golfers was silent for a moment. Then the minister said, "That is so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them at next Sunday's church service."
     The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'll get in touch with some ophthalmologist experts I know to see if anything more can be done for them."
     The engineer said, "Why can't these guys just play at night?"

4. Exercise

�My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97, and we don�t know where the hell she is.�
�I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I�m doing.
�I enjoy long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.�
�The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthy.�
�If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.�
�I don�t exercise at all. If God had meant us to touch our toes, He would have put them further up our body.�
�I joined a Health Club last year. Cost me 400 bucks. Haven�t lost a pound. It seems that you have to show up.�
�The only reason I would take up jogging is to be able to hear heavy breathing again.�